


The Wall Comes Down

by Piper_Halliwell1979



Series: Brothers [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom Dean, Comforting Castiel, Comforting Sam, Dean in Hell, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Torture, Rape Recovery, Repressed Memories, Season/Series 12, Support Group, Top Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 05:06:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8432905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Halliwell1979/pseuds/Piper_Halliwell1979
Summary: Part Four of the Brothers series. Can be read alone but makes more sense if you read the others first. Dean and Cas take their relationship to the next level and it leads to a shocking memory recovery.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: Dean remembers hell and more about what happened to him there. It is graphic and depicts torture and violent rape.

They were taking things slow, nothing more than kisses and holding each other at night. Dean loved Cas so much. He’d do anything for his angel. Knowing that Cas’ first and only experience with sex was forced and traumatic...he would never push for more than Cas was willing to give. And maybe he was a little scared. 

 

It felt amazing to have Cas’ body pressed to his. His breath was hot on the back of Dean’s neck as he drifted to peaceful sleep for a change. A strong arm was thrown over his waist and he felt safe and protected, even if he thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Cas could no more shuck his instinct to be a guardian than Dean could.

 

Dean was surprised when Cas made a move for more. The kiss went deeper and Cas moaned softly into it. His hands moved up Dean’s back and his fingers dug in a bit. When he pulled back he kissed along Dean’s jaw and down his neck. His long, slender fingers plucked the buttons undone of Dean’s outer shirt and he pushed it off and to the floor. He tugged the undershirt free from the waistband of his jeans and felt the hot skin beneath it.

 

“Cas, baby, what are you doing? Are you sure about this?” Dean managed to say between gasps. He was getting painfully hard, straining against the confines of his zipper. He wanted this, wanted Cas.

 

“I think I’m ready, Dean. I want to have a physical relationship with you. I trust you. I know you’d never hurt me.” Cas grabbed his face and kissed him again. 

 

“Okay, okay. Just...you’re in control.”

 

“Does that mean-?”

 

“Yeah. I mean it. I want our first time to be you making love to me.” Dean said with a shaky voice. He’d thought about it. He’d thought about Cas beneath him, calling his name and wrapping those hard, thick thighs around him. He’d thought about being the one on his back, looking up into Cas’ beautiful blue eyes full of desire and need. He was just a little unprepared for it to be happening.

 

Cas moved his hands up, peeling Dean’s shirt away to bare his chest. He trailed wet kisses across, Dean swaying back into his hold. He walked them back to the bed so he could guide Dean down onto it. He stood at the foot of it to slowly undress for Dean.

 

He’d already shed the trenchcoat and suit jacket to the closet when they came home. He tugged at his loosened tie until it slid to the floor. Next he undid the cuffs of his white dress shirt. Dean propped himself up on his elbows and licked his lips at the sight. Cas was so hot stripping for him like this. Dean bit his bottom lip as Cas plucked at the buttons, exposing tanned skin. It slid down his toned arms and slid to the floor, joining the tie.

 

When Cas’ hands dropped to his belt, Dean fumbled to remove his as well. He scrambled out of his jeans and was down to a simple pair of blue boxers as Cas let his pants drop. Dean had to smile at the little cartoon bees on Cas’ boxers. He may look like a holy tax accountant by day but Dean knew he wore cute underwear and funky socks. He loved that quirk about his boyfriend.

 

  
Cas climbed onto the bed and slowly crawled up to cover Dean’s body with his own. They’d gotten this far many times, usually laying on their sides and facing each other so neither was on top. Sometimes they rutted against each other when they were making out but there always came a time when Cas needed to stop. Dean would either will his erection away or go take care of it in the shower after Cas dozed off. 

 

This time he could feel Cas hard against him as he ground down on Dean’s pelvis. He ran his fingers through Cas’s perpetually wild hair as he tasted the sweet kisses with his tongue. He tangled his legs with Cas’ as they rocked together. “Dean, I want...can we take off-?” he said in his gravelly voice. He hooked a finger in the elastic at Dean’s waist. Dean nodded his consent and his heavy member thumped against his belly as it was freed.

 

“May I?” Cas asked. Dean didn’t know what he had planned but he was pretty sure he’d be okay with it.

 

“Y-yeah. Go ahead.” His eyes rolled back in his head when Cas’ hand wrapped around him. “Ohhhh,” he moaned. Cas stroked him a few times and then he felt something hot and wet on him. He yelped then looked down to see Cas’ beautiful plump lips stretched around him. His tongue pressed up to the underside of Dean’s head and he forgot how to breathe for a second. His brain fogged over with sexual bliss he hadn’t experienced in a long time.

 

Dean was aware that his legs were pushed further apart but he jumped when something pressed against his exposed hole.  _ Just Cas, just a finger. _ He heard the click of the plastic cap and something wet joined Cas’ circling finger before he was breached. Because of the awesome oral skills he didn’t know his boyfriend possessed, the slight burn of being stretched dissipated quickly. He took the second finger with ease and nearly came when his prostate was brushed.  

 

When the third finger was pushed in, Dean could no longer hold back. He frantically tapped at Cas’ arm. “I’m going to come, baby. I’m coming!” But Cas just swallowed him down as he trembled and pumped hot semen. He clenched tight around Cas’ fingers before they were suddenly pulled away and he felt incredibly empty. 

 

Cas wiped his mouth and came back up to face Dean. Dean didn’t hesitate to seek the kiss, curious of his taste on his lover’s lips. Cas sat back to push his bee boxers down to expose himself. Dean watched with wide eyes as he poured a line of lubricant on his thick shaft and spread it with his hand. His head was full and purple and Dean watched as Cas guided it down between his legs. 

Dean was already relaxed from his orgasm and loosened up from Cas’ fingers. He gave way to the gentle push past his tight ring of muscle and felt Cas slide deep inside him. Cas hooked 

 

Dean’s knee over his arm and managed to get in a little deeper. “Dean...feels so good, Dean. Didn’t know how much I wanted this.” He pulled back just a couple inches before pushing forward again. Dean let a soft grunt.

 

It took a bit to find a comfortable rhythm for both of them but once they did Dean wrapped his legs tight around Cas’ waist and thrust down as hard as Cas thrust in. His spent cock went to half mast in no time and after Cas discovered the perfect angle to pound into his prostate he was hard and aching to climax again. He slipped a hand between them and used some of his precum to ease his tugging.

 

With his other hand on Cas’ back, he felt the muscles ripple and tense as Cas got closer. Dean stroked himself faster and cried out Cas’ name this time as pleasure overtook him. He barely produced any fluid with round two but he knew his sudden tightness was causing Cas’ hips to stutter. He felt the pulse of himself being filled with Cas’ essence. He embraced him tightly when Cas fell forward, breathless and boneless onto him.

 

Cas reluctantly pulled out but stayed in Dean’s arms. “Was that...was that okay?” he asked nervously.

 

Dean kissed his cheek. “It was amazing, baby. You’re amazing. You okay?”

 

“I am. That was beautiful, Dean. Making love is...it’s...I have no words for it. Can this count as my first time? I’d rather it be.”

 

“Yeah, why not? This time was your choice with the person you chose to be intimate with.”

 

“Then you will always be my first and only lover. This body I will only share with you.”

 

“I love you so much, Cas.”

 

“I love you, too, Dean.”

 

***

 

_ The first cut was never the deepest. The blade would glide over his skin, scraping a bit before just breaking the skin. Crimson beaded up and it stung a bit. Just a preview of coming attractions. Alastair liked to take his time. He was a pro at torture. He’d done it for centuries, breaking even the hardest of souls. He’d had the pleasure of hosting John Winchester on his rack for nearly a century before he escaped hell. Now his precious first born would have to do. _

 

_ “You know what I think, Dean? I think you enjoy this. I think you like the pain. You look forward to feeling my knife inside you. Pain is real. Pain is comfort. Maybe we should change things up a little, huh?” _

 

_ Dean refused to speak. He refused to cry out, letting the tears fall silently as his body was taken apart by the demon daily. He would not give up or give in. His sacrifice for his brother would not be in vain. He flinched as a hand cupped his groin and squeezed hard enough for him to see stars.  _

 

_ He found himself flipped on the rack, bound at his hands and feet and faced down. He heard fabric rip and the tip of the knife scrape the back of his leg as his pants were split. First one leg, then the other. He was being exposed, nothing new. He’d had his thighs, calves, and ass carved on before. He braced himself for it. _

 

_ “Oh no, beautiful boy. See, like I said, the pain is a constant. You trust it. You expect it.” He cupped one of Dean’s naked cheeks before slapping it hard. “I’ll just have to get under your skin some other way.” _

 

_ White light blinded Dean as a new, unfamiliar pain seared through him. The demon thrust his barbed penis into Dean, tearing him as he bottomed out. He pounded into Dean hard, hot blood trickling down Dean’s thighs as he was brutally violated. He tried to find his zen place, to send the pain to white noise but he couldn’t. Alastair’s teeth sunk into his back and shoulder, breaking skin and making him feel sick. The demon grunted in Dean’s ear and he tried to black out. It went on for hours. Then it went on for years. _

 

***

 

Dean was drenched, completely soaked with sweat. His pillow and sheets were as well. Cas was on his side, facing away from him. He tried to get out of bed but collapsed to the floor on rubbery legs. His stomach tightened and he needed to make it out of the room. He used the nightstand to pull himself up and half crawled to the hallway.

 

He leaned into the wall, his vision was doubled and blood pounded in his ears, distorting sound. His chest hurt so bad. He was afraid he was having a heart attack.  _ Bacon cheeseburgers and beef jerky. Too much salt. Gonna die naked in the hallway. _ He slid down the wall and made it to the cool tile of the bathroom on his knees. He pulled his top half up onto the toilet and heaved until he tasted acrid bile. Things went black after that.

 

“Dean? Fuck. Wake up, come on.” Dean thought he heard Sam’s voice and hands shaking him. “Jesus, what were you drinking?”

 

Dean opened his eyes and then shut them again against the light. “Not drunk. No drinking,” he slurred. He still wasn’t quite there.

 

“What the hell, man?” Sam got a towel to drape over Dean. He filled a glass from the sink and handed it to him. Dean’s throat was sore and his mouth tasted horrible. He took small sips so he wouldn’t cough it back up.

 

“Had a nightmare, something. Hell. Panicked.” His speech was clipped but Sam understood and nodded.

 

“Just a dream, Dean. Wasn’t real. Okay?”

 

“Not okay, Sammy.”

 

_ He must still be in shock,  _ Sam thought. “Hey, Dean? Do me a favor. Put your hand on the floor. Feel that? Feel how cold it is.” Dean did as he was told. “Okay now take your hand and put it on my arm. Warm, right?” Dean raised his hand and nodded. “What’s your boyfriend’s name?”

 

“Cas. Castiel.”

 

“Where are we?”

 

“Bathroom. Bunker. Lebanon, Kansas.”

 

“Good. You back with me?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean sat up and sipped more water. He was starting to lose the tingling in his limbs and his heart was no longer racing. The realness of the dream was fading around the edges but still on his mind.

 

“Wanna tell me about it?” Sam prodded. 

 

“I was in hell, on the rack again. Alastair was taunting me, then instead of cutting me he...he…” Dean shut his eyes. 

 

“It’s okay, Dean. A lot’s happened. You’ve been going to meetings with me and Cas, listening to everybody share their stories. It must have gotten all jumbled up in your head. You’re safe.”

 

“It felt so real, Sam.” 

 

Cas shuffled in, squinty-eyed and wearing Dean’s boxers that he probably found in the dark to slide on. He slunk down to the cold floor where the other two men were sitting. He put a hand to Dean’s forehead. “May I see?”

 

Dean sniffled and nodded. He’d rather not relive it to retell it. 

 

Cas removed his hand and then pulled Dean into his arms. He kissed him tenderly and soothed his hands over Dean’s back. He looked over Dean’s shoulder at Sam. “It wasn’t a nightmare. It was a memory.” His own eyes clouded with tears as he watched Sam’s do the same. “He must have repressed it a long time ago. Sharing our experiences must have brought it to the surface.”

 

“Fuck.”

 

***

 

“Did you actually get him to go back to sleep?” Sam asked from his spot in the kitchen. 

 

“No. I had to knock him out with my grace.” Cas sat opposite his adoptive brother and rubbed his weary face. “He probably has a lot of what happened to him in hell repressed.”

 

“Is it like when I had that wall up in my head?”

 

“Almost exactly. Except he built his own wall as a defense mechanism.”

 

Sam gripped his cup of coffee with both hands and breathed through his instinct to break down. “He’s been so strong for us. He’s gone to every meeting. I thought it just made him have a bad dream.”

 

Cas got up to pour himself a cup. It was already after four in the morning and he knew neither he nor Sam would be going back to sleep. He went to the fridge for his flavored creamer but his shoulders slumped and he broke into sobs, hands gripping the door handles.

 

“I did this, Sam. It's all my fault.”

 

The big man crossed the room in two long strides and pulled Cas into a tight embrace. “Cas, no. You know better. None of us are to blame for what happened. Our abusers are to blame.”

 

Cas sniffled and shook his head into Sam's chest. “I caused the memory to surface. I...we...we made love for the first time tonight.”

 

“God, Cas, are you okay?”

 

Cas pulled away and wiped at his face. “I’m fine. It was wonderful. I knew I was ready and Dean was perfect. I thought what we did was perfect.”

 

“It was, Cas. Probably too perfect. Dean's head, he psychs himself out all the time. He just knows the other shoe will drop and something bad will cancel out whatever good happens. You make him so happy...his subconscious is to blame.”

 

“It suppose I understand that. We’ve all been our own worst enemy.” 

 

Sam led him back to his seat and fetched the creamer. He set it and Cas’ cup down in front of him. “He’ll get through this. We'll help him like he helped us. He already knows everybody at the meetings. We’re stronger as a family.” He reached across the table and took Cas’ hand. “You’re what's best for him. Treat him like he’s treated us.”

 

“You're right, Sam. I just wish I could build that wall back up and shield him from the pain.”

 

***

 

Dean had barely slept since his recovered memory. He and Cas had gone back to cuddling and kissing before bed, both afraid to trigger the other. It wasn't healthy and they knew it. They agreed to see a couples’ therapist on top of continuing to go to their support group. Dean hated shrinks but he’d do anything to make it work with Cas.

 

The long drive to the church was mostly silent. Dean drove and held Cas’ hand the entire time. He made the coffee as he routinely did and pulled a seat into the circle. When asked if anyone had something to share, he tried to speak but Cas spoke up when he faltered.

 

“Dean and I have taken our relationship to the physical level. Unfortunately it brought up a very painful memory that had long been repressed.”

 

A chorus of ‘are you okay’ followed. Cas gripped Dean's hand even tighter. His eyes and expression encouraged Dean to get it out.

 

“When I was in my twenties, something bad happened to me. I was gone for four months, my family thought I was dead. I was held and tortured by a sadistic fucker. He did things to hurt me every minute he had me. He even made me a deal that it would stop if I agreed to help him do it to others.

 

" I remember being gone. I remember the physical pain. I remember the sound of his voice. But I shut out almost all of it to function. By the time Cas found me and saved me, I was so broken. There were only pieces of me left, you know? He’s spent nearly a decade putting me back together.

 

“So the night terror came. And I had one of the worst panic attacks I’d ever had. I thought I was going to die in the hallway between our bedroom and the bathroom. My brother found me, blacked out. He thought it was just a regular nightmare about Alastair and all the stuff going on with him and Cas was getting my wires crossed.

 

“Believe me I’d rather that be the case. But once that wall in my head was scratched...it's like a dam broke and all these details came at me. I knew it was real. And then I felt like shit because I'm supposed to be the one keeping it together for my family. I don't want them to lose their footing trying to help fix me. And I know that's wrong and stupid but it's how I feel.”

 

“What happened to him? The man who abused you?” One of the regulars named Franco asked.

 

“He was caught but was killed before he could be brought to justice,” Sam answered. At least he could take some solace knowing he was the one who destroyed Alastair. It must be like the satisfaction Dean got from knowing he iced the reaper who hurt Cas.

 

“That’s good, right? He’s just a Bogeyman. Can't hurt you no more.” Franco tried to be supportive.

 

Dean nodded. “Guess you're right. He’s long dead. He's not here and I am. I survived him.” He turned fully to face Cas. “I’m so sorry, baby. What we have, what we're building...I’m not going to let him take that away from us. I love you, gonna spend the rest of my life with you. I'm gonna be the man you deserve.”

 

Cas leaned in for a chaste kiss. “I love you, Dean. And I'm going to work just as hard to be the man you deserve. A wise man told me we’re stronger together as a family.” He cast a knowing smile at Sam.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was painful to write but there was so much subtext of abuse of these characters that I felt needed to be addressed and dealt with. As a sexual abuse survivor, writing is very therapeutic.


End file.
